


When It All Seems Hopeless

by mansikka



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Comforting Nico, M/M, Patient death, Workplace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-25 00:05:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17714249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Levi has just lost his first real patient. Nico wants to help.





	When It All Seems Hopeless

**Author's Note:**

> Something thrown together this morning because the idea wouldn't leave me alone. Enjoy :)

She's gone. Under the artificial stars of phone and tablet screens in the arms of her new husband, Levi's first real patient has just slipped away. He's had others of course; Nico's heard about so many of them since they've been together. But Natasha is different. Levi has taken care of her and been responsible for her for weeks. She's become the patient Nico's taken to asking about first, and the one that's kept Levi restless in his arms some nights.

Levi's fingers are gripping his tighter, and Nico has no intention of letting go. No matter who is watching, no matter how unprofessional it might be. He moves forward so Levi knows he can lean on him if he needs to, and it is Levi that slides his hand from his grip as he presses back. Nico drapes an arm around his waist and pulls Levi tight against his chest, squeezing back when Levi slots his fingers through.

"You okay?"

"Not really."

Levi is staring at Natasha as though he doesn't know how to look away. And though he's accepting Nico's comfort, he is stiff, motionless in his grip.

"I know," Nico says, cursing internally, "stupid question."

Levi nudges back against him, giving a slight shake of his head. "It's not."

Nico goes to answer, but Meredith is then calling for Levi's attention, and Nico knows the process, knows what comes next. He squeezes Levi again hoping to give him the small amount of support he can do right now, then leaves. And as he tries to work, all Nico can picture is Levi and the rest of the team comforting Garrett, politely moving him out of the way so they can get on with their work. He's been there enough times to imagine exactly what is going through Levi's mind right now. The guilt, the questions, the uncertainty if this is really something he can make a career out of. Levi is going to make a great doctor, Nico knows that without a doubt. But losing your first patient, well, that's enough to unsettle anyone.

In the past few weeks, aching for Levi's optimism when he holds him, Nico has shared his own losses. The patients who have clung on to his hand until the very end, and the couple he's fallen asleep beside the bed of knowing they wouldn't be there by the morning. Nico has done what he can to prepare Levi for what's seemed inevitable to him for a while, yet he feels guilty even for that.

Natasha's death has put a cloud over so many people in the hospital today. Even those whose lives she didn't touch. Even Link is quiet; Nico is sure that is for more reasons than just a lost patient, but he doesn't want to pry. Though the general mood everywhere he looks really is miserable, darker than usual. Nico can't wait for the end of his shift.

Worrying about Levi becomes unbearable. Nico gives Link a look that he nods for without comment, shooing him away. Grey Sloan feels like a maze today as he looks for Levi, finding him at a desk filling in a form. Or at least trying to; the pen is in his hand, and as Nico watches he tries to write something but keeps stopping, his shoulders in a permanent slump.

"Hey."

Levi startles for his voice but is already leaning into his warmth as Nico throws an arm around his shoulders. "Hi."

"How are you doing?"

Levi sighs, and turns just enough to press his face into Nico's stomach before sitting back up. "I'll be fine."

"That's not what I asked," Nico says softly, squeezing the back of Levi's neck. Levi slumps even lower, and when he looks up his eyes are red raw. Not from crying, but from fighting with himself not to, which to Nico is even worse. "Can you take a break?"

"I have this to get through—"

"Just… five minutes?"

Levi sighs but is already throwing his pen down on the desk. Nico steps back to give him room to stand then takes his hand, going as guided when Levi wants to go outside.

"Meredith said we should go outside on our breaks with cases like this. Like if we didn't, we'd lose all track of time."

Nico nods, standing beside him in the ambulance bay watching a patient being unloaded on a gurney. Levi's voice is hollow, torn between dazed by what has just happened and on the verge of breaking down. Nico hates feeling helpless, and this is the first time since they've been together that he's felt that way about Levi. That he can't laugh or joke his way out of this, say something to make this _right_ , puts him just as on edge as Levi feels against him; a solid line of tension pressed into his side.

"Makes sense."

"I really thought she might make it. When she first woke up, anyway. I thought that… I thought she would."

Nico wants to change the subject, to tell Levi of the dinner he's thinking of cooking them since it's Valentine's Day and they couldn't plan anything much because of work. He wants to say something, anything that will break Levi out in that smile of his that still catches Nico's breath after all these months. But he can't; he doesn't want to belittle what Levi is feeling nor play down the loss of a patient who had so much to live for. Whose _widow_ is still within these hospital walls trying to figure out what he's supposed to do with his life.

"I hoped she would."

"But you knew she wouldn't," Levi says, turning to Nico and looking desperately lost. "You knew."

"I suspected."

"Why didn't _I_ know?" Levi asks, his voice breaking.

"Because you were close to her? Because you were hopeful? There's nothing wrong with that. You wanted your patient to get better."

"But you knew, when I didn't, when I couldn't see it—"

"Levi—"

"And you tried to warn me. You tried to tell me, and I…"

Levi drops his head as his words trail away, and Nico's heart breaks for the shaky breath he hears. He doesn't know what to do, so he does the only thing he can do. He squeezes Levi's hand and tugs so he knows they're going back inside.

Somebody, a doctor, a nurse, whoever, tries to get Levi's attention. Nico squares his shoulders and glares telling them silently to back off. He finds the first room with a lock that he can and leads Levi in there, never taking his eyes off him.

"I should work."

"You should _breathe_ for a minute. Okay?"

Nico squeezes his upper arm and turns Levi until he's facing him, cupping his jaw and waiting. Watching his expression for the moment that he breaks.

Levi's eyes flood with tears and his jaw begins to tremble, his shoulders beginning to rise and fall as he fights to control his breath. And then it hits; Nico can feel the grief surging through Levi as he drops his head into his shoulder and grips on tight, letting himself be held. Nico rocks him in silence, letting him cry, not offering empty platitudes or anything but himself in support. Tears well in his own eyes for the choked sobs blasted into his scrub top, shuddering helplessly when Levi tightens his grip.

Nico has no idea how long they stand there, though is sure it can't be the hours that it feels. When Levi's breathing starts to even out he backs him up and sits, pulling Levi into his lap. Levi shakes his head and stands again, only to turn and straddle him, tucking his face into Nico's neck as he slumps.

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Nico says, running his hands over his back.

"Well, I am."

Levi finally looks up, curling his fingers over Nico's shoulders and offering him a watery smile. Nico leans up for a quick kiss hoping to reassure him, more than happy to oblige when Levi chases his mouth. Nico closes his eyes to the familiar fingers slotting through his hair as they kiss, holding on to Levi tight.

"You should be proud of yourself for today," Nico tells him when they pull apart, resting his hands on Levi's waist. "I know I am."

"I am," Levi agrees, sighing. "I'm just… you know."

"I do. And I'm here if you want to talk about it. If you need to do anything, or you need me to do anything. Okay?"

Levi crosses his forearms behind Nico's head and gives him a real smile that allows Nico to start to relax. "You always are."

"That's… sort of the point."

"I know," Levi agrees, smiling. "I just… thank you."

Nico nods, leaning up for another kiss. "Any time."

Nico continues to look at him, checking for any further signs of Levi being upset. He still is; there is no way he's going to get over losing Natasha after just a few minutes of reassurance and kisses. Though Nico can tell he's starting to work his way through it.

"Way to kill the Valentines mood," Levi says, adjusting in his lap, prodding the wet patch he's left on Nico's scrub top with his tears and grimacing for it.

"Day's not over yet."

"We didn't really plan anything. Because of, well. _This_."

Levi will probably call him worse than _cheesy_ if he learns Nico purposefully swapped shifts today so he could be with Levi in the hospital for Valentine's Day, even though both of them would be working. He'd had a feeling over the past few days about how quickly Natasha was slipping away, and couldn't face the thought of Levi being alone for that.

"Well. _You_ maybe didn't plan anything," Nico replies, pretending to pout, which earns him more kisses that he's very happy about.

"Okay, so what did _you_ plan? Every restaurant must be booked up by now."

"I didn't plan anything _that_ fancy. I planned on cooking you dinner, us eating by candlelight at home. Maybe an early night," Nico adds with a wink that turns the corners of Levi's mouth up into an even bigger smile.

"It's not like we ever need an excuse for an early night."

"No. Maybe for the candles though."

"I like that you call it _home_ when we're there together," Levi says, toying with the hair at the nape of Nico's neck.

"It _is_ home when we're there together," Nico replies, and it's nothing but true. He barely sleeps anymore when he doesn't have Levi by his side. But he's not going to say that out loud; he plans on being called _cheesy_ for so many other things today.

Levi studies him with that look that says he's overwhelmed by what he's hearing, that Nico hasn't seen from him for a while. Levi's confidence in _them_ once they got started was instantaneous, and that Nico is crazy about him Levi's always seemed to accept. Though there are moments every once in a while just like this one, when Levi seems to need a moment to process his words. Levi kisses him harder for them, which Nico has no objection to at all.

"We should get back to work," Levi says full of reluctance, his fingers still curled at the nape of Nico's neck.

"You're doing okay?" Nico asks, cupping his face, swirling a thumb over his cheek.

"I am now. _For_ now. Thank you."

"Any time. Well, hopefully not _any time_. I'd prefer you didn't have too many days like this one."

"And I hope the same for you," Levi replies, now smiling helplessly at him. He cups Nico's face and kisses him sweetly, slowly sliding from his lap.

"Let me know what time you're finishing."

"I have a couple more hours."

"Good," Nico says, flattening out Levi's lab coat collar. "Then we can leave together."

"I'm… sorry I messed up your shirt," Levi adds, plucking at Nico's scrub top.

"It'll dry."

"I need to wash my face," Levi says, prodding beneath his eyes and groaning at himself.

"You're perfect," Nico tells him pulling his fingers away.

"Still," Levi says, beaming at him, "I can't exactly see patients with a face full of snot."

"You don't have a _face full of snot_."

"It feels like I do."

Nico laughs, cupping Levi's face and tilting his chin. "Maybe check your contacts though? Your eyes look a little sore."

Levi pulls a face that Nico has to hug him for, dropping a kiss on the side of his head. Levi is used to his contacts now, but only after hours of practice and making himself feel sick for touching his own eyeball; a regular complaint Nico is constantly smiling about. Anything more than putting them in in the morning, and taking them out again at night, Levi does not approve of at all.

"I suppose."

"I can do them for you, if you want?"

"I didn't bring any spares."

"Maybe just your glasses?"

"You _like_ my glasses," Levi teases, leaning against him.

"I do," Nico agrees, gripping his waist. "I also like your contacts, and your eyes, and, well. Everything about you."

That word, _cheesy_ , is on the tip of Levi's tongue, Nico knows that it is. But instead of his teasing Nico receives a kiss, a slow, gentle one that Levi presses up against him for, backing them against the door. Nico doesn't think Levi will ever know quite what it does to him every time he does that.

"You gonna be okay?" Nico asks when Levi leans back from him, cupping his face as he waits for him to answer.

Levi nods, resting his hands against Nico's chest as he gives him a final kiss. "Thank you," he whispers, before tangling his fingers through Nico's and leading him back out of the room.


End file.
